Musings of a Hermit
by Girlbender875
Summary: After RotS Obi-Wan is left on Tatooine for a very, very long time. His adjustment from general to hermit is a rough one, fraught with many un-Jedi thoughts and emotions. Semi character study, one-shot.


**Has anybody heard the song "I See Fire" by Ed Sheeran? Every time I hear it I imagine that it would have been a great song for ending credits of Episode III… and then I get all angsty/moody/depressed, lol. I don't know why I torture myself like this, haha—bloody hormones! Anyway, I** **thought it would be fun to do a character sketch of Obi-Wan just after RotS as he grows into the role of the old hermit Ben Kenobi, and I shaped it through the five stages of grief. Not sure how well this will turn out, but maybe it'll be good! :D**

* * *

Sometimes he wakes up with a smile on his face. He hops out of bed cheerfully, he brews a cup of tea, he sits on the floor and meditates. He takes a deep breath and enjoys the quiet. Because this is just a vacation; this isn't real. He isn't permanently stuck on Tatooine. The Jedi Temple isn't gone—no, of course it isn't—it's—it's still there. It is on Coruscant, full of Jedi, waiting for him. He smiles, he nods to himself, yes, yes, they're all still there. Everything's fine.

Everything's _fine_.

Sometimes he even laughs to himself at how emotional he's getting; nothing could cause him to feel _that_ miserable, that _empty_ —nothing. So this is just a weird dream, a weird dream that he will eventually awaken from and then he will see Anakin watching him and laughing and saying that Obi-Wan had somehow made himself look like a fool in his sleep.

Because everything's fine. Anakin's fine. The Jedi are fine.

He just had a concussion, maybe? That _had_ to be it. He had a relatively rough fight with Grievous. Oh Force—Anakin was going to take advantage of the fact that Obi-Wan had lost his lightsaber in battle. Obi-Wan had asked Cody not to say anything—hopefully the clone had kept his word. Of course he has. Cody is a good man. All the troops are good men.

 _Everything's fine_.

The more he repeats these words the emptier he feels. He can't hide from it. It won't leave him alone. Every time he slips up, every time he tries to tell himself it isn't real, his Jedi training immediately kicks in, because he's Obi-Wan Kenobi, and he won't lie to himself like this.

Nothing's fine anymore. And he has to live with that.

* * *

Where had it gone wrong? What had changed it? Where had it happened? What little crack slid its way through Anakin's soul that would eventually make him shatter? Why hadn't Obi-Wan seen it? When should he have noticed?

He reviews every conversation, every little nuance in Anakin's voice, every subtle glance, every temper tantrum, every argument, every battle, every joke, every shared drink, every laugh, everything, he reviews _everything_. Was it the war that did it? Did the darkness seep in then? Or was it slinking its way into the boy's heart long before that? Why didn't he see it sooner?

 _What could he have done to change it?_

This question eats him alive every day and night, it burns inside of him, scorching his heart more than any sun, any lava, any force in the universe.

He should have died instead of Qui-Gon. His Master would have been able to handle Anakin—the man could handle anything. He shouldn't have trained Anakin. He shouldn't have let Anakin near Palpatine. He should have noticed something was wrong. Anakin had said he had a bad feeling—he had known— _the boy had known_ —right before Obi-Wan had left for Utapau.

Then, when he finally stops reviewing everything to find the moment he could change, the few extra words he could have said, he prays, he pleads, he _begs_ the Force to somehow give him a miracle, to give him a second chance, to send him back in time. He gets on his hands and knees, he claws at the carpet on the floor, he pulls at his hair, he can't _breathe_ , it consumes his essence—that need that _desperation_ to just _fix_ it all—if the kriffing Force would just give him a chance just _one blasted chance_ he would fix it all. All he asks is for one miracle—that's all.

And then he remembers that he's Obi-Wan Kenobi. He's a Jedi. Jedi don't deal in _what if_ situations.

* * *

Anger is not an emotion for the Jedi. Really, any emotion is unacceptable for a Jedi. But he is no longer a Jedi. They're all dead, after all—because of some stupid idea of _the will of the Force_.

What the _hell_ does that even mean anymore?!

The Force is an energy field. It feeds off of life, it surrounds and binds all life, but it in a sense _is_ life as well, and without life, there is no Force. The Force is _life_ , it's _energy_ —energy does _not_ have a will. So what the hell had he been basing his life off of? If the Force really does have a will then what the _hell_ does it think it's doing?! Anakin was supposed to bring _balance_ , he was supposed to _destroy_ the Sith. If this was the Force's idea of balance—destroying all things good and decent in the galaxy—then Obi-Wan wants to somehow kill the Force, just get rid of it—the galaxy is better off without it.

Why the hell did Anakin turn?! Why the hell couldn't Obi-Wan fix it?! Why the hell did Anakin do it?! That boy—that stupid, lost boy—what was he thinking when he did that?! Did he learn _nothing_ over the past thirteen years Obi-Wan had taught him?! Did Obi-Wan not see any sort of hint of darkness in him?! Why couldn't he protect the boy?!

Why couldn't Obi-Wan protect him? Why couldn't he protect the whole galaxy? His one biggest mistake is what has led to the destruction of peace, the destruction of a Republic—how is it possible that Obi-Wan is such a failure that his mistake destroyed a Republic that has stood tall and proud through anything for twenty-five thousand years?!

No, no, his name isn't Obi-Wan anymore; Obi-Wan died when Anakin did. Obi-Wan was too _blind_ , too kriffing _stupid_ to not see what was to come. Obi-Wan is dead. He's not Obi-Wan. He's not a Jedi.

* * *

There's no end to it. The galaxy is desolated. The Republic is gone. The Jedi are dead. The Sith have won. He doesn't even have an identity anymore. His boy is dead. The boy's children are orphans and separate from each other, doomed to never meet, to never know their parents.

He wonders sometimes what it's like to cry. He wouldn't know anymore—he's been sitting in some strange trance where he doesn't have the energy to do anything. He can barely move, barely get up, he can barely fathom just how much the darkness has won. It chokes him at night, and even the brightest lights of the twin suns at midday cast the darkest shadows, and he knows they come for him… but he's too tired to run from them.

There's no sense in fighting; the enemy has already won.

He hasn't looked after Luke in a few weeks. There's no point. It doesn't matter. Luke can't fix an entire galaxy; it's easy to destroy, but it's nearly impossible to build. Anakin could destroy anything in a heartbeat, but Luke can't fix it all. Even he couldn't fix it.

Him. Ben Kenobi.

He doesn't even go by his real name anymore. He's no Jedi. He's just some crazy hermit, slowly growing older in the weary heat of the two suns. There's nothing left. There's _nothing_.

Worst of all, he's just too tired to care anymore.

* * *

He takes a deep breath as he sits in the center of his hut, staring at his lightsaber. The Jedi Order is dead, the Republic has fallen, and his former apprentice is no more. He has lost everything.

But he _is_ still a Jedi. He will still persevere. He took an oath upon his knighthood, and he would hold to it. He has gone through the trials all over again, facing so many torrential emotions, and has come out weary, scarred, and reserved, but he has also emerged more confident than ever. He will watch Luke grow. He will protect the boy. If for nothing else, he will do it for Anakin and Padmé.

He was born and will die for peace, for justice, for the _light_. He may just be the crazy hermit Ben Kenobi, but before that he was a general, and someday he will arm himself once more. When that day comes, he will face the Empire, he will face the darkness, and somehow the light will win. Somehow it will be set aright.

Although the darkest shadows are cast by the brightest lights, the smallest of lights burns the darkness away. Ben knows this now. He knows.

Luke Skywalker is a child from a world of two suns. He is a child of some of the brightest lights life has ever witnessed. He will shine just as radiantly as his father and mother, and with Ben's tutelage he will make all the darkness recede. The light will return.

The darkness has consumed the galaxy, but the light will prevail someday.

* * *

 **I get the feeling this was a little too "ramble-y" and maybe a little out of character for Obi, hm... what do you guys think?**


End file.
